i've fallen into bad company.

i hate her.

i've changed. where is the driven, focused me that i know i can be and was?

she's successfully encouraged me to slack and waste my days, whether watch television or surfin the net. to waste whatever time i've have left.

she is making me feel so horrible about myself...after a day of slacking, short-term "enjoyment/happiness"with no sense of urgency or regard for what i should be doing, i'm left confused, irritated with myself, guilty..

i hate her. i hate her but i cannot leave.

you know, they're right when they say:

"Your worst enemy is yourself."

feeling so negativity, feeling such dislike towards anybody is always hard, especially so when it's towards yourself.

inertia:
The tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest or of a body motion to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force.

i have very high inertia. means high tendency to remain at rest. and high tendency to remain in motion..

i need to get my act tgr, to get the ball rolling.. u know, i havent done any work at all since sch ended? i have no self control. i can nvr just do "a few hrs" of being online. i have sat in frnt of the comp the whole bloody day, surfin rubbish n time just gets sucked into total oblivion.. cant let it continue.. so..goodbye, wont be online all that much anymore.

wish me luck in overcoming inertia..(the thing is i need to write a plan(timetable). i do follow my plans. i just need to do it, sit down and plan. b4 i can start)

just.. get going... and i can be on the roll... after midyrs, i cant stop or i'll waste time trying to get overcome the inertia n get started again..

mus put inertia to good use >_< remain in motion, remain in motion, remain in motion, remain in motion.......

today, an encouter left me freaked out..

around 5/6pm:
was looking for CDs at Jubilee Popular. taking a really long time to.. cldnt find the ones i wanted.. Then i realised this decent-looking bespectacled uncle looking at me.. ok. mayb Mr. Manager thinks i'm gonna steal his CDs or something. but no, he's nt in uniform.so be a customer ba. crap he's still looking.. he comes up and asks "are you alone?/ni yi ge ren mah? (i cant rmb if eng or chi)". crap. i ignore him and go to another section. he's there for the long time i'm taking to look thru CDs..

i head to the counter to pay. i see him leaving Popular. i keep an eye on the down escalator. he doesnt go down! ok.... i wait at the side of the counter while they check if popular card can be used for CDs. i turn around n he's in Popular again! lookin at the new books/bestsellers by the entance. getting nervous... should i inform the staff? what can they do? it's nt even comfirmed he's.. oh. he's nt there anymore.

Ok, got my cd.. phew, he's nt outside popular! down the escalator n there he is, waiting, by the atm, near the book store.. i quickly walk into Mos, hoping he doesnt notice..

out of jubilee thru Mos.. ok. coast clear. head towards bustop. SHIT!!!! he's there! he's outside of jubilee b4 me! he spots me and freaking looks at me. what the hell does he want!! i'm getting very nervous n scared now. shit. what to do..go 7-11? no.. i briskly walk into the hawker centre. hoping to be engulfed by the crowd, to lose him..

i reach the HDB side of the hawker. i turn round. scan the faces urgently. look for the horrible striped brown shirt. ok. coast clear. i put on my jacket hoping he wont know it's me. (i was in a colourful spot-able Tshirt) looking over the shoulder. walking out towards the open again...

walk walk walk.. down the covered pathway.. nearing the crossing i look. ok. phew. i lost him for good....

at the busstop ppl give quizzical "she siao arh, so hot still wear jacket" looks but i dont care. i'm freaked tt he'll spot me frm across the road.. or board the bus last min or something. was taking quick fugitive glances.. making sure he isnt here..

i'm first board the bus. look at the ppl boarding. woohoo! cleared! stare out of the window,spacing out at the close shave. suddenly i feel someone poof down on the seat beside me, heart stops for a moment. spin my head round to, phew, see it's a lady..

and i was home safely..went for a run to calm myself down lol..(distraction u see)

ok. tt incident really left me jumpy/nervous/frightened/scared.. didnt know what to do; felt kidna "hunted". dunno if i'm making too much outta it cos it was in the day and AMK was milling w ppl. mayb i'm watching to many thriller movies lol..

he was so decent uncle looking! why liddat -__-..

i told my family (i think i was still.. affected.. i was tearing =S must hv scared them. mayb PMS man) and these are some precautions/ideas they came up w and i want to share w fellow gals!

if at a crowded place:
- turn around and shout "why are u following me!!" he may deny, watever, but it'll surely attract attention n he's gonna turn around and leave in the opposite direction man.
- get in a taxi n leave!
- get to the train station n hang out by the control station. tell the staff if he follows.
- if it's late, please get ur parents/bf to walk u home/drive u hm.

this is the 3rd time such a thing(perverted uncles) has happened to me -__-. why i keep tio-ing such crap! i was just wearing a-not-short skirt and normal t-shirt! the other times i was in sch uniform!

grr. i need a boyfriend. lol..
_________________________

a crappy ending to a otherwise nice day. thank you for the kbox treat! and the cute thingy u guys made. how'd even think it up?! it looks fantastic. lol.. thanks thanks <3 [ok. i think of the group, only mfen's gonna read this lol... i shall sms them thanks] the boardgame cafe.. was different! didnt hv the luck to select more ususal funner games thou ^^; inexperienced lol..

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. " Anaïs Nin.

i sure dont feel 18.. whatever 18's supposed to feel like. hee, prolly mean i dont fit the description/image of an 18 yr old. many ppl i know, dont too.. maybe that's why (refering to the above)..

yesterday's cake was amusing! cos we didnt hv small candles, we used big "year" candles for all 18... and the cake was so full and smoking and on fire-like n stuff. end-product: a colourful cake.. cake of wax. lol.

i much more enjoyed the steamboat dinner w had at my place w my PW grp the day of the PW results thou.. that was so much fun..

eh.. i wish my birthday was nt during the sch hols ^^;; i rmb the few times i had sch based stuff.. sec3 had sch n 2.4 naphfa? sec4 NPCC camp. jc1 ZHSS-NY camp. (and one yr, i had friends coming to my place w a cake or soemthing, tt was sweet!) anyway! it's quite rei nao 热闹and more.. festive w friends, random ppl shouting happy birthday..quite overwhelming all 3 times, since well 15 outta 17yrs, nvr experiences b4.. hee. less like a normal day..

my porpor (i keep refering to her as "ah mah"!! cos everybody's grans are mostly ah mahs it seems) said at 2months old," 我会找婆婆了" i was looking for her already.. she had to cook and grandpa wld carrying me and i wld cry and cry.. once he walked past the kitchen and me n popor made eye contact and i was smiling! at tt moment she knew it was lookin for her.. v cute, she says.. crying crying crying, i spot her and suddenly, i'm smiling at her lol. i like these lil nuggets of info/childhood stories.

ps: 3/4e1 ppl! class outing on 09/06/06. 2pm, marina square. pls go yeah, it's been ages!

i've fallen into bad company.

i hate her.

i've changed. where is the driven, focused me that i know i can be and was?

she's successfully encouraged me to slack and waste my days, whether watch television or surfin the net. to waste whatever time i've have left.

she is making me feel so horrible about myself...after a day of slacking, short-term "enjoyment/happiness"with no sense of urgency or regard for what i should be doing, i'm left confused, irritated with myself, guilty..

i hate her. i hate her but i cannot leave.

you know, they're right when they say:

"Your worst enemy is yourself."

feeling so negativity, feeling such dislike towards anybody is always hard, especially so when it's towards yourself.

inertia:
The tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest or of a body motion to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force.

i have very high inertia. means high tendency to remain at rest. and high tendency to remain in motion..

i need to get my act tgr, to get the ball rolling.. u know, i havent done any work at all since sch ended? i have no self control. i can nvr just do "a few hrs" of being online. i have sat in frnt of the comp the whole bloody day, surfin rubbish n time just gets sucked into total oblivion.. cant let it continue.. so..goodbye, wont be online all that much anymore.

wish me luck in overcoming inertia..(the thing is i need to write a plan(timetable). i do follow my plans. i just need to do it, sit down and plan. b4 i can start)

just.. get going... and i can be on the roll... after midyrs, i cant stop or i'll waste time trying to get overcome the inertia n get started again..

mus put inertia to good use >_< remain in motion, remain in motion, remain in motion, remain in motion.......

today, an encouter left me freaked out..

around 5/6pm:
was looking for CDs at Jubilee Popular. taking a really long time to.. cldnt find the ones i wanted.. Then i realised this decent-looking bespectacled uncle looking at me.. ok. mayb Mr. Manager thinks i'm gonna steal his CDs or something. but no, he's nt in uniform.so be a customer ba. crap he's still looking.. he comes up and asks "are you alone?/ni yi ge ren mah? (i cant rmb if eng or chi)". crap. i ignore him and go to another section. he's there for the long time i'm taking to look thru CDs..

i head to the counter to pay. i see him leaving Popular. i keep an eye on the down escalator. he doesnt go down! ok.... i wait at the side of the counter while they check if popular card can be used for CDs. i turn around n he's in Popular again! lookin at the new books/bestsellers by the entance. getting nervous... should i inform the staff? what can they do? it's nt even comfirmed he's.. oh. he's nt there anymore.

Ok, got my cd.. phew, he's nt outside popular! down the escalator n there he is, waiting, by the atm, near the book store.. i quickly walk into Mos, hoping he doesnt notice..

out of jubilee thru Mos.. ok. coast clear. head towards bustop. SHIT!!!! he's there! he's outside of jubilee b4 me! he spots me and freaking looks at me. what the hell does he want!! i'm getting very nervous n scared now. shit. what to do..go 7-11? no.. i briskly walk into the hawker centre. hoping to be engulfed by the crowd, to lose him..

i reach the HDB side of the hawker. i turn round. scan the faces urgently. look for the horrible striped brown shirt. ok. coast clear. i put on my jacket hoping he wont know it's me. (i was in a colourful spot-able Tshirt) looking over the shoulder. walking out towards the open again...

walk walk walk.. down the covered pathway.. nearing the crossing i look. ok. phew. i lost him for good....

at the busstop ppl give quizzical "she siao arh, so hot still wear jacket" looks but i dont care. i'm freaked tt he'll spot me frm across the road.. or board the bus last min or something. was taking quick fugitive glances.. making sure he isnt here..

i'm first board the bus. look at the ppl boarding. woohoo! cleared! stare out of the window,spacing out at the close shave. suddenly i feel someone poof down on the seat beside me, heart stops for a moment. spin my head round to, phew, see it's a lady..

and i was home safely..went for a run to calm myself down lol..(distraction u see)

ok. tt incident really left me jumpy/nervous/frightened/scared.. didnt know what to do; felt kidna "hunted". dunno if i'm making too much outta it cos it was in the day and AMK was milling w ppl. mayb i'm watching to many thriller movies lol..

he was so decent uncle looking! why liddat -__-..

i told my family (i think i was still.. affected.. i was tearing =S must hv scared them. mayb PMS man) and these are some precautions/ideas they came up w and i want to share w fellow gals!

if at a crowded place:
- turn around and shout "why are u following me!!" he may deny, watever, but it'll surely attract attention n he's gonna turn around and leave in the opposite direction man.
- get in a taxi n leave!
- get to the train station n hang out by the control station. tell the staff if he follows.
- if it's late, please get ur parents/bf to walk u home/drive u hm.

this is the 3rd time such a thing(perverted uncles) has happened to me -__-. why i keep tio-ing such crap! i was just wearing a-not-short skirt and normal t-shirt! the other times i was in sch uniform!

grr. i need a boyfriend. lol..
_________________________

a crappy ending to a otherwise nice day. thank you for the kbox treat! and the cute thingy u guys made. how'd even think it up?! it looks fantastic. lol.. thanks thanks <3 [ok. i think of the group, only mfen's gonna read this lol... i shall sms them thanks] the boardgame cafe.. was different! didnt hv the luck to select more ususal funner games thou ^^; inexperienced lol..

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. " Anaïs Nin.

i sure dont feel 18.. whatever 18's supposed to feel like. hee, prolly mean i dont fit the description/image of an 18 yr old. many ppl i know, dont too.. maybe that's why (refering to the above)..

yesterday's cake was amusing! cos we didnt hv small candles, we used big "year" candles for all 18... and the cake was so full and smoking and on fire-like n stuff. end-product: a colourful cake.. cake of wax. lol.

i much more enjoyed the steamboat dinner w had at my place w my PW grp the day of the PW results thou.. that was so much fun..

eh.. i wish my birthday was nt during the sch hols ^^;; i rmb the few times i had sch based stuff.. sec3 had sch n 2.4 naphfa? sec4 NPCC camp. jc1 ZHSS-NY camp. (and one yr, i had friends coming to my place w a cake or soemthing, tt was sweet!) anyway! it's quite rei nao 热闹and more.. festive w friends, random ppl shouting happy birthday..quite overwhelming all 3 times, since well 15 outta 17yrs, nvr experiences b4.. hee. less like a normal day..

my porpor (i keep refering to her as "ah mah"!! cos everybody's grans are mostly ah mahs it seems) said at 2months old," 我会找婆婆了" i was looking for her already.. she had to cook and grandpa wld carrying me and i wld cry and cry.. once he walked past the kitchen and me n popor made eye contact and i was smiling! at tt moment she knew it was lookin for her.. v cute, she says.. crying crying crying, i spot her and suddenly, i'm smiling at her lol. i like these lil nuggets of info/childhood stories.

ps: 3/4e1 ppl! class outing on 09/06/06. 2pm, marina square. pls go yeah, it's been ages!