hello!

haha. studying is not going on well at all. have too many friends at the cafe. i conclude studying is a solitary, lonely business...

have been planning carol's party on thursday/friday/sat. was looking forward to it yesterday =) it was irritating when ppl cldnt make up whether they were going or not..yup. lol!! in the end we just ate at the hawker center ^^;;

first time eating dinner at hawker centre lol. surprisingly, it wasnt hot. mayb cos at night. 11 of us when. st nicks, carol&ryan,alan, irene n me n dragg. we had pooled some $$ together. ate satay, omlette, otah (lol!! the otah was one big piece in a plate! i was excepting leaves n stuff.. nvr seen it like that),oh yeah. stingray n rice. kinda oily haha.

we were there at around 7 n left at 940++ i;m surprise nobody chased us away. cos we were just sitting around an emtpy green table, yakking away.. lol. quite weird chatting in a hawker centre. wah. very thristy since dinner =S.. msg i think lol.

it's been a long long time since i ate with friends n talked crap w/o the exams at the back of my mind. it was lame jokes, ghost stories n introgation aglory lol.. so fun to scare irene.. i was discretely prodding the plastic bag so it appeared to slowly make its way towards her n she screamed! n thus scaring jade too. quite cool how we were strangers a few weeks back n now eating dinner laughin together =) gotten quite very close to irene n carol in a relatively short period of time..

doesnt feel like/hasnt sunk in tt we're not gonna c carol anymore.

zhu1 jiao3 =P

wee! bio prac was fantastic.

so very fun and thinking. it's wasnt typical. haha. i expected the unexpect n was right. it wasnt a fruit or a seed but a PRAWN! gosh. lol.. it never knew prawns were so interesting lol. prawns hv always been around but i never truely looked. so much i missed. prawns are hairy. lol.

the first qn was identifying blood plasma, bile, urine and saliva. like the feeling when u hv to think. eg saliva contains amylase which are enzymes which are PROTEINS haha.

i was wondering what radical kelvin wld do this bio prac. turns out he was spitting into the beaker (to test saliva)! hahaha... can imagine the scene of him spitting n the teacher staring. shufen COOKED the prawn in the water bath! lol. it nvr crossed my mind ^^;;

i was thinkg "HAH!" to all those who memorise drawings. this is the way practicals should be. abt (observational) skills, not abt being able to draw even w/o the specimen..

time flies.

for almost 6 weeks i've seen the same familiar faces. faces of friends, not just ppl who make me my tea/latte. lol. for a lone mugger like me, a familiar face and a friend to talk to when i'm sian means so much..it has reached a stage where i leave my sweater at the cafe and can walk into the staff area place thing (behind the counter). know the button for hot water(for tea). can operate the mircowave. the cafe's icecream scoop's mine lol(their's brroke) haha..

when i started going to amk i nvr expected to make new friends. i know the staff (carol, shirley) and made friends from other sch (st nicks, st gabs). on weekends, usually the ppl left are us student =) i get a sense of belonging and comarade haha.

learnt how to make a straw grasshopper/shrimp. taught the kawaski rose. it's almost my 2nd home lol. i was thinking to myself that the day i take home my sweater'll be a sad day.. but that day has been cruelly brought forward.. sigh. staff reshuffle at the cafe. things will be so alien starting from monday. no longer them. suddenly i cant enter that kitchen thingy place.. haha. if i did william'll prolly go "O_o??!"

so sad.... we wrote a letter cum petition (57 signatures!) hoping that carol wont get transferred out... not a high chance it'll work thou =(. oh yeah. carol has to go cos AJC ppl requested this william guy to return amk.. -_-. zhss+st nicks+mayflower+ st gabs > ajc loh.

gonna hv a farewell party thingy on saturday i think.. yeah... oh well. maybe now with the reshuffle, i'll study even more. studying has not been very effective these days....

22days to end of o lvls. jia you.

watched exocist. scary. however, nobody screamed at all. why? because is not like those crappy "horror" movies that just put atmospher music and get a long hair creature to jump out -_-. go watch it...

a truck knocked into us. back windscreen totally blasted. really fortunate my bro wasnt sitting in the third row. the other guy's trunk front dented a lil. the worst thing was that his son wasnt seat-belted! how irresponsible. luckily, he was fine too.

that's all for today.

i wish i had more time to talk with cui today.

the day started out with.. national athem and sch song sang much louder than normal.

graduation day was boring (the hall thingy) thou i want to thank mom n dad for attending (i have no freaking idea y they chose to allow themself to be bored to death lol)

later, in class, ms chan had a talk with us. at first.. i... didnt really bother because i dont like.. love ms chan to death or something. but then. she broke down. and i dont know why but almost instanteously, i did too (thou fine i was the previous second).

i was alright by the time she called my name to recieve the piece of puzzle (thou blur i was)..

and then junio broke down. it's just so.. sincere, how much he feels for the class. he's the greatest moniter ever.

michelle was pouring, weiyu, qiao ru.. i didnt really feel crying sad.. just.. sadness.. hung around for a bit then i left.. as i walked away.. away from that classroom... away from my friends of 2/4 yrs..for the last time.. i started breaking down. i didnt make it pass e3. headed to the male staff toliet n sobbed...

i dont want to leave my friends. i quote kelvin "but these friends i've got to know in this four yrs are worth crying for. sure, we can meet up and everything, but it'd never be the same. we'd never be in the same classroom together, standing up, greeting the teacher, learning and everything... i dun wanna move on, i want to stay with the class..."

i didnt want to take photos.. didnt want to break down in front of friends.. but.. i kept being drawn back to the classroom. to my friends... i couldnt leave. but the tears started again. didnt want my friends to c me like that.. ended up hiding at the back of the staircase near boys toliet..to cry again lol.. then. calmed myself and things got fine later....

sigh.

things will change. no more sitting next to vanda in class.. no more chattng with tricia, talking crap.. no more random tickles. or recesses. luckily/unluckily, i didnt c yucui anywhere or i wld hv prolly died... i wish we ddint hv to leave. i wish we does still have lessons and recesses and just study for class tests. life was fantastic then..almost carefree. even had time to SING in class.. guitar in class.. go mfen's hse n slack. lazy, long conversations....

remmeber how we cheered like siao during the netball thingy? how zhiliang sings Come What May? how we sometimes stay back in class to sing songs.. and.. chinese lessons..

honestly. i didnt build much/any strong bonds in primary school. secondary school is the first time i have real friends.

and i dont want to leave them. i want to see them in school, everyday, in 4e1.

somehow.. i feel this crying make the bond even stronger. we're all sad for the same thing.. because we dont want to leave each other. thru the tears we realise how much we care for each other..

my mind's a mess, my thoughts a jumble. cant express how i feel properly agh! i'll cont this at a lator, date when i'm.. clearer.

hallo

lol. 34 days to freedom you know? argh! stupid spyware.. popups are darn irritating!

as i faithful contiune to visit the cafe daily, the staff at cafe galilee grows increasing important to me.

if not for them, i wont feel like going. when i study alone, they're all the friends i have for around 2/3pm to 9pm =D haha.. it's like cafe galiree's my second home and my life revolves around it kinda. eg hvnt seen shirley since thursday.. looking forward to c her on monday lol.

it's freaking cold there you know? if my hand comes into contact with some water, it'll prolly freeze instaneously! that day carol(the manager, someone i see everyday) found out and she gave me a cup of hot water! lol i felt taken care of.

ususally carol come chitchat with me and on friday or something, they kept talking to the st nicks gals! haha i felt a tinge of jealousy lol how silly. was cos they were a big grp n fun to talk too while i was buried in my work..

today morning, pop over to aj's open house. it's kinda old. but then again, all the new collages at so far away! hm. i hope all the smartsmart ppl will just like go tj and nj and vj or something.. leave some spaces for me and others!

however, with a current score of twelve, i cant make it in. feels so sucky to feel that you're too dumb to enter. i dont know what other jc to go to if i dont go aj. i dont want to go some unknown, lousy sch.. but then.. mayb my marks can only go those ^^;.. sighs see lah. slack so much during prelim -_-... blah. i wish no first 3 months thingy.. just use o lvl results to enter.. i think i'll do better than a 12.

so much can go wrong. humanities for example. if i get a c5 i'm a goner. english too. worst scenrio will be to fail english lol. but then.. think about it, so much can go wrong.. lol. shld just conc., study and take the exams..

yeah, later when to the cafe. lol, at around 3/4 sharon and huishan popped out of nowhere n gave me a surprise! i conclude i cant contrate with friends around -_-. at around 5.40 carol left with her bf (v early.. usually she leaves at closing time) then sharon n huishan had to go.. al my friends gone liao, even the most basic carol (only left with 3 guys working at the cafe lol sian) so i left. didnt feel like studying. first time i left b4 closing time lol..

i'm getting soft. dont feel like studying more often etc. this is not good at this critical period.. come on, i've held on for 4 weeks! must press on for just 2 more weeks.. tkae the exams.. will quavering.. sighs.

hm. ok. must psyce myself up to focus on the upcoming o lvls. made a mistake in the prelims, time to make up for it...

real school ends in around one week time. i'll miss being classmates with e wonderful ppl in 4e1.. and hanging out with my ususal friends. time flies. lol specifically, four years has flew past me w/o all of us realising it.

hallo! =) lol. i didnt like the previous post to be the first post that i see hence this entry. yawn. nights.

hey. it's been ages since i used the computer no? lol.

hmm. i dont really know what to think now. abit in a sad solemn mood afterreading a friend's blog, abt how sad she is and how she tries.

i myself didnt do well. grand total of 15. definitely not great but not horrible too i guess. getting back the papers were a numb affair. just waiting till winnie/ pat/whoever distributes ur paper, only for you to add up the marks to a crappy score that u already know you would get.

bio was a mistake. you see, i want to take bio for a lvls. but, as you know, i screwed up on it this time so it's not in my L1R5. but, since i wanna take it, ms chan's gonna try moderate my biology. which means my L1R5 probably wont be reduced much. i felt so retarded while i was listening to her explaination and stuff. boy it was a mistake.

sooo... anyway. i've been rather busy. yet slack. after school, everyday, i go to cafe galiree. the library cafe. till around 9pm. yes. the staff knows me and my fav seat and what i always order lol. we're kinda friends now ^-^

they treat me real nice. for example, on thursday, there werent any seats so sheryl said she'll settle it n went try to chase those w/o drinks/food lol. but didnt work. i said, nvm, i'll browse the mags or sumthing and they offered to keep my schbag behind the counter so i didnt hv to lug my TYS around lol. then, when i was back, someone just got "my table" so i settled for another which i was fine with. and carol. after taking the gal who sat at my table, asked her if she wld mind exchanging tables! so nice of them =) touched by the extra miles they go.

they kinda encourage me too. like carol asking me to come at 12(opening time) tmr so i'll get my table lol. otherwise, i might just wake up late! lol. yeah

lol. kelvin is a cafe galiree study-er too lol (dont know which thou) he's spending a bomb. 4 coffees and wedges and stuff. me. i just buy one drink. as it is, i'll spend $77 on drinks, if i just buy one drink till the end the o lvl. and i use the beverage card so it's cheaper. otherwise it'll be $131 lol. i've spent $23 so far. studying is expensive.

it seems like alot of studying by from 9 to 12 it's all slacking. and it's really a waste of time. blah. i'm feeling very unsure of myself. unsure if what i'm doing is enough. unsure of how i do. what if i screw up? i've never felt so unconfident of myself. i sometimes feel i dont know what i'm doing.

i do know i got to get my act together. slacked yest and today. have really got to try my hardest to study at home when lib's closed.. and. i'e used computer today and yest. bad sign. it really sucks up time.especially for a weakwilled person like me.i'm still quite strong as long as i dont touch. but now that i have.. *brr* dont think like this. gotta go on. today's the last day or week two. 2/5 thru my study plan. must press on =) just a day at a time. i'll get there in eventually.

on friday, i screwed up big time. i felt i was the most irresponsible asshole around. i was sure my maths tuition was at 3pm. was looking forward to it. doing maths, preparing, doing what mr yap had for me to do. but then. it was actually supposed to be at 2! found out late. anyway. mom rushed to sch. only to hear it's postponed to monday. it was around 3pm. guess what. bro and sis had music lesson at 3. they came to pick me up first because my tuition "was at 2". so yes. damn. felt like shit. mom was driving like a mad woman. their lesson's just 30mins. by the time they reached there, only 15mins left. arg. i hate myself.

oh yes. while waiting for mom. mr yap called. "....*stuff*... you know, the thing is that you are not present. when you make appointments, you're not present. when you go for lessons, you're not present. when you take the exams, you;re not present. that's why you did so badly." it hurt. bad. he lost hope. i didnt mean to forgot. i really wanted to go tuition. he thinks dont care. i'm trying hard to change. to work so very hard. i've never ever studied so much in my life. i've nevr lived this life of sch- practicaltil6/SSPtil4-lib to study til 9-dinner-bath-recp/slack sleept and repeat life. he motivates me the most,geting me to study den anyone else, pushing me.. but i slacked cos i'm a retarded slacker.

so. i was feeling all these neg feeling in the car already. i know mom was pissed at me. who wldnt. everybody was pissed with me. and felt like puking cos my mom's crazy driving (she drives well mostly). bro too.

who cld have thought such a small minor detail can have a domino effect.

sigh. i try tkae all these studying positively. each day i study, i'm closer to my freedom. each day i study, i'm closer to ending this whole thing. each day i study, i get closer to doing well.

the jounrey's still long. yet. it's frighteningly close. 30days. four weeks. two weeks structured. two weeks "selfstudy"+ sci pracs. and. boom. we're starting the papers. it's so close. just a day at a time. i think to myself. i can do it. jus tone more day. just last til the end of the day. day by day. it'll add up. i know. i'll get there in eventually.

hello!

haha. studying is not going on well at all. have too many friends at the cafe. i conclude studying is a solitary, lonely business...

have been planning carol's party on thursday/friday/sat. was looking forward to it yesterday =) it was irritating when ppl cldnt make up whether they were going or not..yup. lol!! in the end we just ate at the hawker center ^^;;

first time eating dinner at hawker centre lol. surprisingly, it wasnt hot. mayb cos at night. 11 of us when. st nicks, carol&ryan,alan, irene n me n dragg. we had pooled some $$ together. ate satay, omlette, otah (lol!! the otah was one big piece in a plate! i was excepting leaves n stuff.. nvr seen it like that),oh yeah. stingray n rice. kinda oily haha.

we were there at around 7 n left at 940++ i;m surprise nobody chased us away. cos we were just sitting around an emtpy green table, yakking away.. lol. quite weird chatting in a hawker centre. wah. very thristy since dinner =S.. msg i think lol.

it's been a long long time since i ate with friends n talked crap w/o the exams at the back of my mind. it was lame jokes, ghost stories n introgation aglory lol.. so fun to scare irene.. i was discretely prodding the plastic bag so it appeared to slowly make its way towards her n she screamed! n thus scaring jade too. quite cool how we were strangers a few weeks back n now eating dinner laughin together =) gotten quite very close to irene n carol in a relatively short period of time..

doesnt feel like/hasnt sunk in tt we're not gonna c carol anymore.

zhu1 jiao3 =P

wee! bio prac was fantastic.

so very fun and thinking. it's wasnt typical. haha. i expected the unexpect n was right. it wasnt a fruit or a seed but a PRAWN! gosh. lol.. it never knew prawns were so interesting lol. prawns hv always been around but i never truely looked. so much i missed. prawns are hairy. lol.

the first qn was identifying blood plasma, bile, urine and saliva. like the feeling when u hv to think. eg saliva contains amylase which are enzymes which are PROTEINS haha.

i was wondering what radical kelvin wld do this bio prac. turns out he was spitting into the beaker (to test saliva)! hahaha... can imagine the scene of him spitting n the teacher staring. shufen COOKED the prawn in the water bath! lol. it nvr crossed my mind ^^;;

i was thinkg "HAH!" to all those who memorise drawings. this is the way practicals should be. abt (observational) skills, not abt being able to draw even w/o the specimen..

time flies.

for almost 6 weeks i've seen the same familiar faces. faces of friends, not just ppl who make me my tea/latte. lol. for a lone mugger like me, a familiar face and a friend to talk to when i'm sian means so much..it has reached a stage where i leave my sweater at the cafe and can walk into the staff area place thing (behind the counter). know the button for hot water(for tea). can operate the mircowave. the cafe's icecream scoop's mine lol(their's brroke) haha..

when i started going to amk i nvr expected to make new friends. i know the staff (carol, shirley) and made friends from other sch (st nicks, st gabs). on weekends, usually the ppl left are us student =) i get a sense of belonging and comarade haha.

learnt how to make a straw grasshopper/shrimp. taught the kawaski rose. it's almost my 2nd home lol. i was thinking to myself that the day i take home my sweater'll be a sad day.. but that day has been cruelly brought forward.. sigh. staff reshuffle at the cafe. things will be so alien starting from monday. no longer them. suddenly i cant enter that kitchen thingy place.. haha. if i did william'll prolly go "O_o??!"

so sad.... we wrote a letter cum petition (57 signatures!) hoping that carol wont get transferred out... not a high chance it'll work thou =(. oh yeah. carol has to go cos AJC ppl requested this william guy to return amk.. -_-. zhss+st nicks+mayflower+ st gabs > ajc loh.

gonna hv a farewell party thingy on saturday i think.. yeah... oh well. maybe now with the reshuffle, i'll study even more. studying has not been very effective these days....

22days to end of o lvls. jia you.

watched exocist. scary. however, nobody screamed at all. why? because is not like those crappy "horror" movies that just put atmospher music and get a long hair creature to jump out -_-. go watch it...

a truck knocked into us. back windscreen totally blasted. really fortunate my bro wasnt sitting in the third row. the other guy's trunk front dented a lil. the worst thing was that his son wasnt seat-belted! how irresponsible. luckily, he was fine too.

that's all for today.

i wish i had more time to talk with cui today.

the day started out with.. national athem and sch song sang much louder than normal.

graduation day was boring (the hall thingy) thou i want to thank mom n dad for attending (i have no freaking idea y they chose to allow themself to be bored to death lol)

later, in class, ms chan had a talk with us. at first.. i... didnt really bother because i dont like.. love ms chan to death or something. but then. she broke down. and i dont know why but almost instanteously, i did too (thou fine i was the previous second).

i was alright by the time she called my name to recieve the piece of puzzle (thou blur i was)..

and then junio broke down. it's just so.. sincere, how much he feels for the class. he's the greatest moniter ever.

michelle was pouring, weiyu, qiao ru.. i didnt really feel crying sad.. just.. sadness.. hung around for a bit then i left.. as i walked away.. away from that classroom... away from my friends of 2/4 yrs..for the last time.. i started breaking down. i didnt make it pass e3. headed to the male staff toliet n sobbed...

i dont want to leave my friends. i quote kelvin "but these friends i've got to know in this four yrs are worth crying for. sure, we can meet up and everything, but it'd never be the same. we'd never be in the same classroom together, standing up, greeting the teacher, learning and everything... i dun wanna move on, i want to stay with the class..."

i didnt want to take photos.. didnt want to break down in front of friends.. but.. i kept being drawn back to the classroom. to my friends... i couldnt leave. but the tears started again. didnt want my friends to c me like that.. ended up hiding at the back of the staircase near boys toliet..to cry again lol.. then. calmed myself and things got fine later....

sigh.

things will change. no more sitting next to vanda in class.. no more chattng with tricia, talking crap.. no more random tickles. or recesses. luckily/unluckily, i didnt c yucui anywhere or i wld hv prolly died... i wish we ddint hv to leave. i wish we does still have lessons and recesses and just study for class tests. life was fantastic then..almost carefree. even had time to SING in class.. guitar in class.. go mfen's hse n slack. lazy, long conversations....

remmeber how we cheered like siao during the netball thingy? how zhiliang sings Come What May? how we sometimes stay back in class to sing songs.. and.. chinese lessons..

honestly. i didnt build much/any strong bonds in primary school. secondary school is the first time i have real friends.

and i dont want to leave them. i want to see them in school, everyday, in 4e1.

somehow.. i feel this crying make the bond even stronger. we're all sad for the same thing.. because we dont want to leave each other. thru the tears we realise how much we care for each other..

my mind's a mess, my thoughts a jumble. cant express how i feel properly agh! i'll cont this at a lator, date when i'm.. clearer.

hallo

lol. 34 days to freedom you know? argh! stupid spyware.. popups are darn irritating!

as i faithful contiune to visit the cafe daily, the staff at cafe galilee grows increasing important to me.

if not for them, i wont feel like going. when i study alone, they're all the friends i have for around 2/3pm to 9pm =D haha.. it's like cafe galiree's my second home and my life revolves around it kinda. eg hvnt seen shirley since thursday.. looking forward to c her on monday lol.

it's freaking cold there you know? if my hand comes into contact with some water, it'll prolly freeze instaneously! that day carol(the manager, someone i see everyday) found out and she gave me a cup of hot water! lol i felt taken care of.

ususally carol come chitchat with me and on friday or something, they kept talking to the st nicks gals! haha i felt a tinge of jealousy lol how silly. was cos they were a big grp n fun to talk too while i was buried in my work..

today morning, pop over to aj's open house. it's kinda old. but then again, all the new collages at so far away! hm. i hope all the smartsmart ppl will just like go tj and nj and vj or something.. leave some spaces for me and others!

however, with a current score of twelve, i cant make it in. feels so sucky to feel that you're too dumb to enter. i dont know what other jc to go to if i dont go aj. i dont want to go some unknown, lousy sch.. but then.. mayb my marks can only go those ^^;.. sighs see lah. slack so much during prelim -_-... blah. i wish no first 3 months thingy.. just use o lvl results to enter.. i think i'll do better than a 12.

so much can go wrong. humanities for example. if i get a c5 i'm a goner. english too. worst scenrio will be to fail english lol. but then.. think about it, so much can go wrong.. lol. shld just conc., study and take the exams..

yeah, later when to the cafe. lol, at around 3/4 sharon and huishan popped out of nowhere n gave me a surprise! i conclude i cant contrate with friends around -_-. at around 5.40 carol left with her bf (v early.. usually she leaves at closing time) then sharon n huishan had to go.. al my friends gone liao, even the most basic carol (only left with 3 guys working at the cafe lol sian) so i left. didnt feel like studying. first time i left b4 closing time lol..

i'm getting soft. dont feel like studying more often etc. this is not good at this critical period.. come on, i've held on for 4 weeks! must press on for just 2 more weeks.. tkae the exams.. will quavering.. sighs.

hm. ok. must psyce myself up to focus on the upcoming o lvls. made a mistake in the prelims, time to make up for it...

real school ends in around one week time. i'll miss being classmates with e wonderful ppl in 4e1.. and hanging out with my ususal friends. time flies. lol specifically, four years has flew past me w/o all of us realising it.

hallo! =) lol. i didnt like the previous post to be the first post that i see hence this entry. yawn. nights.

hey. it's been ages since i used the computer no? lol.

hmm. i dont really know what to think now. abit in a sad solemn mood afterreading a friend's blog, abt how sad she is and how she tries.

i myself didnt do well. grand total of 15. definitely not great but not horrible too i guess. getting back the papers were a numb affair. just waiting till winnie/ pat/whoever distributes ur paper, only for you to add up the marks to a crappy score that u already know you would get.

bio was a mistake. you see, i want to take bio for a lvls. but, as you know, i screwed up on it this time so it's not in my L1R5. but, since i wanna take it, ms chan's gonna try moderate my biology. which means my L1R5 probably wont be reduced much. i felt so retarded while i was listening to her explaination and stuff. boy it was a mistake.

sooo... anyway. i've been rather busy. yet slack. after school, everyday, i go to cafe galiree. the library cafe. till around 9pm. yes. the staff knows me and my fav seat and what i always order lol. we're kinda friends now ^-^

they treat me real nice. for example, on thursday, there werent any seats so sheryl said she'll settle it n went try to chase those w/o drinks/food lol. but didnt work. i said, nvm, i'll browse the mags or sumthing and they offered to keep my schbag behind the counter so i didnt hv to lug my TYS around lol. then, when i was back, someone just got "my table" so i settled for another which i was fine with. and carol. after taking the gal who sat at my table, asked her if she wld mind exchanging tables! so nice of them =) touched by the extra miles they go.

they kinda encourage me too. like carol asking me to come at 12(opening time) tmr so i'll get my table lol. otherwise, i might just wake up late! lol. yeah

lol. kelvin is a cafe galiree study-er too lol (dont know which thou) he's spending a bomb. 4 coffees and wedges and stuff. me. i just buy one drink. as it is, i'll spend $77 on drinks, if i just buy one drink till the end the o lvl. and i use the beverage card so it's cheaper. otherwise it'll be $131 lol. i've spent $23 so far. studying is expensive.

it seems like alot of studying by from 9 to 12 it's all slacking. and it's really a waste of time. blah. i'm feeling very unsure of myself. unsure if what i'm doing is enough. unsure of how i do. what if i screw up? i've never felt so unconfident of myself. i sometimes feel i dont know what i'm doing.

i do know i got to get my act together. slacked yest and today. have really got to try my hardest to study at home when lib's closed.. and. i'e used computer today and yest. bad sign. it really sucks up time.especially for a weakwilled person like me.i'm still quite strong as long as i dont touch. but now that i have.. *brr* dont think like this. gotta go on. today's the last day or week two. 2/5 thru my study plan. must press on =) just a day at a time. i'll get there in eventually.

on friday, i screwed up big time. i felt i was the most irresponsible asshole around. i was sure my maths tuition was at 3pm. was looking forward to it. doing maths, preparing, doing what mr yap had for me to do. but then. it was actually supposed to be at 2! found out late. anyway. mom rushed to sch. only to hear it's postponed to monday. it was around 3pm. guess what. bro and sis had music lesson at 3. they came to pick me up first because my tuition "was at 2". so yes. damn. felt like shit. mom was driving like a mad woman. their lesson's just 30mins. by the time they reached there, only 15mins left. arg. i hate myself.

oh yes. while waiting for mom. mr yap called. "....*stuff*... you know, the thing is that you are not present. when you make appointments, you're not present. when you go for lessons, you're not present. when you take the exams, you;re not present. that's why you did so badly." it hurt. bad. he lost hope. i didnt mean to forgot. i really wanted to go tuition. he thinks dont care. i'm trying hard to change. to work so very hard. i've never ever studied so much in my life. i've nevr lived this life of sch- practicaltil6/SSPtil4-lib to study til 9-dinner-bath-recp/slack sleept and repeat life. he motivates me the most,geting me to study den anyone else, pushing me.. but i slacked cos i'm a retarded slacker.

so. i was feeling all these neg feeling in the car already. i know mom was pissed at me. who wldnt. everybody was pissed with me. and felt like puking cos my mom's crazy driving (she drives well mostly). bro too.

who cld have thought such a small minor detail can have a domino effect.

sigh. i try tkae all these studying positively. each day i study, i'm closer to my freedom. each day i study, i'm closer to ending this whole thing. each day i study, i get closer to doing well.

the jounrey's still long. yet. it's frighteningly close. 30days. four weeks. two weeks structured. two weeks "selfstudy"+ sci pracs. and. boom. we're starting the papers. it's so close. just a day at a time. i think to myself. i can do it. jus tone more day. just last til the end of the day. day by day. it'll add up. i know. i'll get there in eventually.